The Laughing Armadillo's Concert Awards

The Laughing Armadillo's Concert Awards

The other night I witnessed one of the most beautiful man made spectacles I have ever seen. Coldplay are really something to see live. They're a band that polarise opinion like no other. Those that love them see beautiful melodies and heartfelt lyrics. Those that hate them have labelled them whiny and depressing. But you know, each to their own. I think dubstep sounds like roadworks, chart toppers are repetitive cheesy nonsense and if I hear another rapper brag about his bitches and hoes I'll voluntarily strangle him with my fallopian tubes! For me, they're one of those bands that write lyrics that stay with me, much the same way that Nirvana's do. And to have their concerts be something magical and hypnotic is just the most special thing for a fan. Because, really if a band can't deliver when they're live, musically or visually, then what use are they to the world? So here I present to you my winners, and losers, of The Laughing Armadillo's Concert Awards as of June 6^th 2012.

Best Venue

Nominees:

The Koko Club (Trivium 2010)

Wembly Stadium (Muse 2007, Coldplay 2009)

Emirates Stadium (Coldplay 2012)

Brixton Academy (Disturbed 2008)

Winner: The Koko Club. Intimate venue, with lots of nooks and crannies to huddle in when you need a break from the mosh. The only drawback would be the 100ml bottle of water on offer for £2.10!

Best Song Performed Live

Nominees:

The Wicker Man (Iron Maiden, 2011)

Lovers in Japan (Coldplay 2009)

New Moon Rising (Wolfmother, 2011)

Monarchy of Roses (Red Hot Chili Peppers, 2011)

Winner: The Wicker Man. Not a song of Iron Maiden's I was very familiar with at the time. Now, as of that fateful day last August I will never forget head banging my heart out and waving my fist in the air to the eardrum rupturing chant, “YOUR TIME WILL COOOOOOME!” Breathtaking.

Most Embarrassed to Acknowledge Seeing

Nominees:

Peter Andre (head liner), 1997

911 (head liners), 1999

Bewitched (supporting act), 1999

Girls Aloud (supporting act), 2009

Winner: Bewitched. Dear mother of everything sacred, its bad enough I went to see 911 let alone sit though this lot! In my defence, 1999 was a long time ago.

Best Stage Performance

Nominees:

Red Hot Chili Peppers, 2011

Iron Maiden, 2011

Ben Folds, 2001

Wolfmother, 2011

Winner: Wolfmother. This was a tough one, but I gotta give it to Wolfmother just for the sheer energy, their singer Andrew's afro and the crazy, crazy keyboardist who went bananas and never hit a bum key. Ben Folds just misses out because it was so long ago I don't remember much beyond him playing the piano with his feet. But the closest contender had to be Iron Maiden because Bruce Dickinson has still got it – flying about the stage like a man possessed, you know he loves what he does quite unlike anyone else.

Most Emotional Moment

Nominees:

Fix You (Coldplay, 2012)

Photograph (Nickelback, 2007)

Shiver (Coldplay, 2009)

The Resistance (Muse, 2010)

Winner: The Resistance. Right in the heart of the mosh, singing with Philip as if our lives depended on it; young and at the start of our own love story - “Love is our ressssssssssssssssistance.” Unforgettable. Just missing the top spot, Nickelback's performance of Photograph from 2007 was special for me because here I was with two people I'd spent my secondary school years with from start to finish, in a place I might never visit again (hope that's not the case!) and I knew that things would never be the same. As the stock polaroid shots of teenagers larking about faded in and out on the big screens I thought of how our school days were simply going to exist in photographs from now on. Now don't tell me that's not something to get choked up about.

Hottest Musician

Nominees:

Tom Smith (Vocal for Editors, 2010)

John Frusciante (Guitar for Red Hot Chili Peppers, 2001)

Matt Heafy (Lead Vocals and Guitar for Trivium, 2010)

Dave Grohl ( Lead Vocals and Guitar for The Foo Fighters, 2001)

Winner: Matt Heafy. Just because wow. And because when he plays guitar, his arms flex and glisten the way you imagine the arms of Adonis-like athletes in the ancient Olympics would do... I'm such a groupie...

Best Stage Design/Concept

Nominees:

The Final Frontier (Iron Maiden, 2011)

Black Holes and Revelations (Muse, 2007)

Mylo Xyloto (Coldplay, 2012)

Winner: Black Holes and Revelations. Muse just pips it because they managed to make the crowd look like an alien in aerial shots of the gig. Their space geek fetish does wonders for set brainstorming sessions.

Weirdest Outfit

Nominees:

Matt Bellamy – The Red Suit (Muse, 2007)

Dom Howard – The Silver One-sy (Muse, 2007)

Robyn – The Velvet Gold Leggings (Supporting Act for Coldplay, 2012)

Winner: Robyn. First place goes to the super skin tight gold leggings that left very little to the imagination, so much so we found ourselves averting our eyes.

Best Supporting Act

Nominees:

Puddle of Mud, 2007

Jay-Z, 2009

Chimera, 2010

Pulled Apart By Horses, 2010

Winner: Puddle of Mud. Because the phrase “She fucking hates me!” was invented to be shouted in stadiums across the world.

Worst Supporting Act

Nominees:

Shy Child, 2007

Dragonforce, 2010

Gold Rush, 2011

Winner: Dragonforce. Well, honestly there are no winners here. All three are in this category because they were painful to listen to, incredibly boring and did nothing to 'arouse' the audience, as a support band is meant to – talk about no foreplay. Shy Child were a two piece band that sounded like half a dozen cats screwing. Unable to believe their luck at getting to play Wembley, they grinned uncomfortably through the whole thing and every time they introduced a new song we were both horrified our ordeal wasn't over and perplexed that the next song sounded exactly like the previous one. However, Dragonforce very nearly ruined Iron Maiden's set for me because the childish, embellished guitar playing was enough to give me the mother of all migraines. You are not the heroes of the universe, unless the universe occupies the space between the rim of the toilet bowl and the start of the waste pipe. If I wanted to feel like I was stuck in a shit video game I'd just watch Tron again.

Best Concert Overall

Well, I couldn't possibly answer that because each one holds such wonderful memories... Live music is by far the greatest escape. Better even than cinema or the theatre. A chance to let who you are take over every part of you. Whether its the spectacle, the music, the dancing, the singing, the emotion, the kissing, the swaying, the strangers protecting each other, the mosh, the headbanging, the screaming, the violent clapping, the spontaneous hugging (lot of that going on at Wolfmother), the zombie like stretching of arms, the devil horns, the falling over, the thrashing, the jumping, the chanting, the squeezing, the foot stomping, the sweating, all pressed up against people you've never met and will probably never see again... well, where else in public would you be allowed to do all that without being sectioned? Bliss.

Dear Rain...

Dear Rain,
This really isn't working out for me... I'm sorry. Its me not you. I mean, I just don't think I can handle having you touch me any more. The noise you make that was once so cute is now just deafening to me and the grey sky you blanket us in is not longer cosy, just suffocating. I think we should see other people. Sunshine really understands my needs right now.. we're both in more of the same place.
I hope you find someone who truly appreciates you. There are lots of places where you'd be loved and feel needed.
I hope you understand and I hope we can stay friends.
With (now just platonic) Love, LA xxx

Hair, old age and other exaggerations...

I have reached an inevitable point in my beauty regime. Forgive me for discussing such trivial things but I promise I'll get to the point I'm trying to make soon. You see, every month or so I dye my hair from jet black to various shades of red or purple... Why I hear you ask would someone with rich dark black hair ever want to dye it? Most people attempt to dye their hair my natural colour and more often than not look like Goths. All well and good if you are actually are a Goth, but most people just look washed out. That said, my natural hair colour suits me. Olive complexion and thick eyebrows. Black just works. But its bloody boring and after 20 years or so I wanted a change. I like being a redhead. It suits me too if you can overlook the fact that my eyebrows are black, but hey. Its slowly turning into a trademark of mine. Trouble is my roots have grown out a fair deal now and I'm thinking, maybe I should just leave it. In honour of Ms Winehouse, I do miss her dearly, perhaps I too should go Back to Black. It seems like nothing but its a big decision. My hair is very long and I'm frightened of damaging it. And it took a great deal of time to lighten my hair enough for the red dye to actually show up. If I do go back to black and then change my mind, it'll take forever to get it back to red – and no one ever wrote a song called 'Back to Red'. However, and this brings me to my real dilemma, a few seconds too long in front of the mirror last week and I discovered that my major hair decision may have been made for me.

When I was growing up my parents ran a green grocers and all too often after primary school I would spend the afternoon behind the counter with my mother. Starting to reach an age when the true fear of growing old kicks in, my mum would regularly ask me to check her hair for signs of grey. The coast was always clear until one fateful Friday afternoon. I didn't know whether to tell her or not, but I think the laughing gave it away. She screamed. In a hysterical panic she ran to the mirror. Frantically she ran her hands through her hair looking for it, desperate to see the horrible truth for herself. “Pull it out, pull it out!!” She screamed. “But Mum, you're not supposed to. Won't ten grow back in its place?” I replied, feeling helpless in the kind of way only a naïve child can. My heart sunk that day. My mother's reaction had frightened me somewhat. It was only when I got older that I realised how much the whole event had been over dramatised. But I remember how it made me feel at the time. And I swore from that day that I wouldn't be like my parents. I would grow old gracefully. I wouldn't panic about these things. I would accept old age as a fact of life and relish in greater experience.

But what the hell did I know? I was nine. I hadn't even had a chance to be young yet. As a teenager you feel invincible... I could walk for miles upon miles, stay up all night and drink heavily without dire consequences. But times change and even now in my twenties, I can't drink as much as I once did, I can't seem to keep off the weight like I used to and every time I lift up something too heavy I ache for days. Barely in my prime and my body is getting ready to start decomposing. I am past my peak and worst of all, my hair follicles seem to have caught on. Last week, I found myself, just like my mother standing in front of the mirror desperately trying to find the grey hair I had caught a glimpse of while brushing my teeth. At first I couldn't believe it. I thought it might have just been a strand of hair shining in the light from the window. Just my eyes playing tricks on me. It couldn't possibly... But no, there it was, almost white against my jet black roots. I even contemplated the idea of pulling it out – but I was afraid of confronting it with my own eyes. My mum was 37 when I discovered her first grey hair. I'm 24 years old... Educated, unemployed and still a redhead, no longer by choice.

Mum's quote of the day

"You can't make yoghurt unless you make the first yoghurt."

Mum's quote of the day

"She's got two tongues!"

Room 101 - Back on the box

Room 101

Room 101 originally refers to the torture chamber that features in George Orwell's novel Nineteen Eighty-Four. Situated in the ironically named Ministry of Love, Room 101 is where political prisoners are subjected to their deepest, darkest fears – thought of as the worst possible kind of torture.

In 1994 there came about a show on the BBC that took the concept of Room 101 and invited celebrities to come along and argue why they thought a particular item/person/habit etc.. should be subjected to the torture of Room 101. Although I wasn't familiar with Nick Hancock as host, I become a loyal viewer during Paul Merton's days. I loved, and still do, Merton's surreal humour, his voice and just about everything else about him. I was very distressed when the show came to end half a decade ago.

Elated though I am that its back, Frank's just not Paul and he bloody knows it. I've got nothing against dear old Frank Skinner, he can be very funny sometimes, but his dodgy 'dad jokes' can get tiresome sometimes. Also, the format of the show doesn't exactly allow for the maximum 'extraction' of humour of the items hoping to be banished, nor does it have quite the 'oh god what are they going to pick now' factor or the emotional rollercoaster 'will it get it, won't it, should it, shouldn't it'... and so on. The guests never knew what was going to be picked from their list for the actual show or the order which often made the reveal hilarious to watch.

The quality of guest was much better too, especially because the show relied on just that one person to be interesting – although I thought having Ross Nobel on a couple of weeks ago was a brilliant idea. 

The concept is strong in itself, and the ridiculous props used to illustrate the items are still as funny and the inventiveness of the things banished is still there.. kind of. I can live with Frank, but he's not Paul Merton.

Its been a long running problem of mine. I've never really gotten over Mark Lamarr leaving Nevermind the Buzzcocks... So BBC, lest you wish to find yourself consigned to Room 101, here are my demands; I want Mark Lamarr back on Nevermind the Buzzcocks and Paul Merton back on Room 101! … Oh come on BBC, I don't ask for much... except maybe less government bias and populist bullshit when reporting the news. Better scheduling in the summer. Less tennis. More quality sitcoms. More debate that doesn't involve toffs scoffing...

Naaaaaaa, I couldn't possibly put the BBC into Room 101, Jeremy Clarkson would starve to death...So in it goes...

Ok, I wouldn't really do that... All we'd be left with are the orange people on ITV and people eating bananas on Channel 4 and a bunch of other channels no one really watches...

Any how, just for fun here's my list of things I'd like to try and get into Room 101;

Calories

I feel this needs no explanation. Evil bastards...

Jeans sold on the UK High Street

I love jeans. I live in jeans. Jeans are up there with many of humanities greatest achievements. Especially when anyone from the cast of True Blood is wearing them. But here's the thing. I am not a 6ft tall American male with arse like two eggs in a bean bag. Neither am I an obese English female with narrow hips, a wide waist, large stomach and slim legs. I am an obese Mediterranean female with a pinched waist, wide hips, thighs it would take the best part of a week to slice through and an arse you could play a game of scrabble on. So high street of the United Kingdom, I implore you to embrace your multicultural population and buy in some plus size jeans that actually fit women with small waists and big thighs. I'm fat not bloody pregnant!!!!!

Okra

Slimy and furry simultaneously... Not a quality I find appealing in anything to be honest.

People who look down their noses at pets

What did they ever do to you? You're mean. MEAN!!!

Cluster fuck culprits

These are people who insult you without you realising it. They plant said cluster in your short-term memory. It might be an hour later, it might be a whole day but when you remember what they said it will fuck up the next 4 four hours, or the next four years. We all know at least one of them and they must be punished.

Cypriot houses

Or more specifically Cypriot houses that have identity crisis. Its a common problem in Cyprus that may affect 1 in 3 houses in your area. Symptoms can include but are not limited to 'Parthenonitis' where a house will magically sprout marble or concrete cylinders in its hallways from the floor all the way to the top of the ceiling. Also, common is 'Museumenza' where the house will create an atmosphere in one of its rooms that is so cold and sterile no one will ever go in there, and this usually occurs in the same room as 'Wedding-gift-shiteus' where it accumulates all unwanted or pointlessly acquired artefacts from the houses conception.

Kristin Stewart

When she learns to scream in fear realistically she can come out...

The crap they spray on grapes

No matter how much you wash them there's always a bit left that just coats your tongue like when you accidentally breathe in air freshener mist...

Tory voters

Don't panic, it'll be nice. Just as like a field trip for a day. Preferably on the first Thursday of May 2012... and again in 2015. and 2020. and 2025......

Mum's quote of the day

"He's dancing in Arabic, not in Greek"

I didn't know you could dance in a particular language but apparently its possible.