Twilight: Innocent Bullshit or Invading Parasite

Can I has my MTV Movie Awards Back?

I get it I'm no longer a teenager. No, no, I really do get that but here's the trouble. I love the films where I get to hear Jonah Hill ask people about his weiner, see Seth Rogan get high, and watch Jason Biggs lovingly fuck a pie – no rhyme intended (honest). And I'm afraid the truth is I'll never grow out of it. And I adored the MTV Awards that honoured my guilty pleasures and celebrated clever people who helped make 'Films for Friends'.You can't watch an Oscar winner in a room with six or seven other people. You need a film that requires a short attention span, provokes laughter rather than tears and is quotable so that the next time your having dinner at your friend's house you can turn to them and say, “Not at the table Carlos”, burst into fits of laughter and make adults present think you're an alien species. Face it, Jason Segal's penis is never going to win an Oscar, neither will Ken Jeong's penis, or Ben Stiller's penis... But you bet your penis they can win a MTV Movie Award!

Well not lately...

Which brings me to the demise of MTV, specifically, but not limited to its Movie Awards that were once such an important part of my adolescence, and one night even saved a dear friendship of mine... MTV, as a mate of mine recently pointed out, used to play Music Videos. Now it plays a never ending number of cringe-worthy, barrel-scraping, vomit inducing, cretin breeding reality shows. Which in effect has rendered the channel unwatchable in my opinion... But to make matters worse my beloved Movie Awards have been high jacked by the worst kind of tat I could ever have imagined – The Twilight Saga.

The latest phenomenon to bask in 'middle of the road crapness', Twilight, is the tale of a young girl who, after starting a new life in the Pacific North West, falls in love with a vampire who is on a knife edge about whether to be with her, or eat her. The films are based on a series of novels by Stephenie Meyer: Mormon, Conservative and all round sexist nutbag.

Watched out of curiosity, I didn't know all that much about Twilight when I watched the first film. Within minutes of watching I began to develop an ill feeling that was eventually confirmed sometime after Bella and Edward had 'fallen' so madly 'in love'. I felt like I'd missed something.

Often dialogue can seem silly when taken out of context. Observe some gems courtesy of IMDb:

1.Edward Cullen: And so the lion fell in love with the lamb.
Isabella Swan: What a stupid lamb.
Edward Cullen: What a sick, masochistic lion.

(Oh please...)

2.Edward Cullen: I don't have the strength to stay away from you any more.
Isabella Swan: Then don't.

(Who says that...)

3. Edward Cullen: I hate you for making me want you so much.

(Tosser...)

Individual snippets of dodgy dialogue string together in this film to provide hours of unending cringe worthy inane babble that somehow feels forced and contrived, and at times so unnecessary it makes a mockery of story-telling. The saccharine lines build one upon the other. Sometimes I wonder whether the acting actually fails the dialogue. But that’s really like posing the chicken/egg issue. The scene in which she researches and confronts him about being a vampire just seemed so unnecessary to begin with, but to then drag it out and allow the actors to give the most awful performances of the film was just painful to watch.

Much like the dialogue, so many of the scenes felt strung together with no flow to them what so ever. Many of them could have come from completely different films. The slow, droning beginning, the irrelevance of the base ball game, and the sudden quick paced fight just didn’t click into place with each other. On the subject of the baseball scene, it seemed clear, more than at any other time in the film, that director Catherine Hardwicke was indeed an amateur when it comes to directing. The scene is played over a lively track, Muse’s Supermassive Black Hole, however the action on screen is not fast paced enough to fit the rhythm of the song and there’s dialogue running over it at times which is odd. There's no choreography what so ever. Poor use of what would have been a fantastic soundtrack.

The plot and the dialogue failed to such an extent that in every scene the screen writer took it upon themselves to just keep hammering it home to you that the ‘love-struck’ couple shouldn’t be together, when to be honest you probably came to that conclusion without having to be told. He is a blood sucking vampire after all. Bella, appears so emotionless throughout the film, and it is hard to even believe that she could fall in love. Regardless of the heart throb status of Edward, played by the conventionally attractive Robert Pattinson, she just doesn’t look all that in love with him. Her lingering looks of love would look more at home in the final shot of a blackmail scene in some horrendous American soap opera.

At what point are we supposed to think they’ve fallen in love anyway? At the beginning of the film if she’s not looking like a vacant doll she’s angry, or frowning, or screwing her face up.

The film is without a doubt one of the most abysmal and patronising pieces of cinema I have seen in some years. Its greatest moment, the action-packed fight scene towards the end of the film, seemed out of place and lacking a climax. In fact the entire film lacked any kind of climax. Quite fitting for a film where chastity seems to be the underlying subliminal message being pumped into teenage minds. At the end I laid back in my seat dissatisfied and angry with myself for even daring to ignore my instincts and watch a film I had already assumed would be awful. The only thing to amuse me during the film was its poor execution, and the appearance of a stuffed armadillo that was subject to continuity errors in the classroom scene some where in the first half of the film.

Even more irritating than the actual film was the hype around it. It seemed like most critics were frightened to say what they were really thinking, in many cases avoiding the obviously awful directing. Some critics even praised it, with ‘heat’ sighting the only bad thing about it was the fact that the fight scene didn’t seem relevant to the rest of the plot. Really, 'heat'? Most scenes weren't relevant to the plot... The Telegraph almost sings its praises, justifying its thin plot because it appeals massively to teenage girls. It is after all a romance more than a supernatural drama as such. Is this what appeals to teenage girls? Being patronised and made to feel self-conscious about their sexuality, their relationships and ultimately misguide them on the role a 'boyfriend' plays in their life.

The only thing that people who love this film seem to tell me is that its, and I quote, “Sweet”, “Cute” and “Robert Pattinson is sooo hot”. There’s no substance. It’s an awful film trying to take itself seriously, and I find that insulting. The books have obviously made a huge impact but to be honest, I really don't want to even go there. I would never have picked the books off a shelf at a book shop because I'm usually in the adults section anyhow. I did however sit through Twilight. I'd like a refund on my two hours. I won't even sit through the other films for the purposes of this article. Hey, life's short people!

I would also like a refund on the last 3 MTV Movie Awards that have been sodden with Twilight's actors, preview clips and worst of all, gong winners. In almost every category they win, and with what logic? I know its not Kristen Stewart's acting ability, or screen presence... Even fans of the book have expressed their hatred for her with as much venom as myself. Excrable is a word that often comes up. And I get it, Pattinson is good-looking, and Lautner has a six-pack – who in hollywood doesn't? Is it the story? The lame arse, forced, overworked love story? The importance of not being single? The importance of fearing your sexuality because if you have sex your partner will actually kill you and eat you? No drugs, no real violence, no swearing???? What kind of fucking MTV is that????

I'm just... I'm angry... I'm not going to change the world's opinion. But now that Breaking Hymen... I mean Bella... Sorry, I mean Dawn... Poor Dawn... She wasn't in the first film so I don't know how bad the actress that plays her is, so I will sympathise with her coming of age which I assume will be forced, and end with her getting pregnant and leading a miserable existence but one where hope, and further gravy train sequels, will continue to live on.. Any way! Now that the final film has come out, I will, when unprompted, stop informing the world of how shit and over hyped it is, if please, please, please, pretty please... Can I has back my MTV Movie Awards???

P.s: As of two nights ago, i.e. after I had finished the article and it was awaiting editing, I was just looking at my facebook feed when the following status turned up:

“Just back from seeing Breaking Dawn Part 1.”

PART ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

There's another fucking part. So no MTV Awards back until 2014??? Still, its not all bad. Last night I had a peak at this years Scream Awards hosted by Spike TV... I think I might be sliding on over to the dark side of Geek...