The
Laughing Armadillo's Concert Awards
The other night I witnessed
one of the most beautiful man made spectacles I have ever seen.
Coldplay are really something to see live. They're a band that
polarise opinion like no other. Those that love them see beautiful
melodies and heartfelt lyrics. Those that hate them have labelled
them whiny and depressing. But you know, each to their own. I think
dubstep sounds like roadworks, chart toppers are repetitive cheesy
nonsense and if I hear another rapper brag about his bitches and hoes
I'll voluntarily strangle him with my fallopian tubes! For me,
they're one of those bands that write lyrics that stay with me, much
the same way that Nirvana's do. And to have their concerts be
something magical and hypnotic is just the most special thing for a
fan. Because, really if a band can't deliver when they're live,
musically or visually, then what use are they to the world? So here I
present to you my winners, and losers, of The Laughing Armadillo's
Concert Awards as of June 6th 2012.
Best Venue
Nominees:
The Koko Club (Trivium
2010)
Wembly Stadium (Muse
2007, Coldplay 2009)
Emirates Stadium
(Coldplay 2012)
Brixton Academy
(Disturbed 2008)
Winner: The
Koko Club. Intimate venue, with lots of nooks and crannies to huddle
in when you need a break from the mosh. The only drawback would be
the 100ml bottle of water on offer for £2.10!
Best Song
Performed Live
Nominees:
The Wicker Man (Iron
Maiden, 2011)
Lovers in Japan
(Coldplay 2009)
New Moon Rising
(Wolfmother, 2011)
Monarchy of Roses (Red
Hot Chili Peppers, 2011)
Winner:
The Wicker Man. Not a song of Iron Maiden's I was very familiar with
at the time. Now, as of that fateful day last August I will never
forget head banging my heart out and waving my fist in the air to the
eardrum rupturing chant, “YOUR TIME WILL COOOOOOME!”
Breathtaking.
Nominees:
Peter Andre (head
liner), 1997
911 (head liners), 1999
Bewitched (supporting
act), 1999
Girls Aloud (supporting
act), 2009
Winner:
Bewitched. Dear mother of everything sacred, its bad enough I went to
see 911 let alone sit though this lot! In my defence, 1999 was a long
time ago.
Best Stage
Performance
Nominees:
Red Hot Chili Peppers,
2011
Iron Maiden, 2011
Ben Folds, 2001
Wolfmother, 2011
Winner: Wolfmother. This
was a tough one, but I gotta give it to Wolfmother just for the sheer
energy, their singer Andrew's afro and the crazy, crazy keyboardist
who went bananas and never hit a bum key. Ben Folds just misses out
because it was so long ago I don't remember much beyond him playing
the piano with his feet. But the closest contender had to be Iron
Maiden because Bruce Dickinson has still got it – flying about the
stage like a man possessed, you know he loves what he does quite
unlike anyone else.
Most Emotional
Moment
Nominees:
Fix You (Coldplay,
2012)
Photograph (Nickelback,
2007)
Shiver (Coldplay, 2009)
The Resistance (Muse,
2010)
Winner: The
Resistance. Right in the heart of the mosh, singing with Philip as if
our lives depended on it; young and at the start of our own love
story - “Love is our ressssssssssssssssistance.” Unforgettable.
Just missing the top spot, Nickelback's performance of Photograph
from 2007 was special for me because here I was with two people I'd
spent my secondary school years with from start to finish, in a place
I might never visit again (hope that's not the case!) and I knew that
things would never be the same. As the stock polaroid shots of
teenagers larking about faded in and out on the big screens I thought
of how our school days were simply going to exist in photographs from
now on. Now don't tell me that's not something to get choked up
about.
Hottest Musician
Nominees:
Tom Smith (Vocal for
Editors, 2010)
John Frusciante (Guitar
for Red Hot Chili Peppers, 2001)
Matt Heafy (Lead Vocals
and Guitar for Trivium, 2010)
Dave Grohl ( Lead
Vocals and Guitar for The Foo Fighters, 2001)
Winner: Matt
Heafy. Just because wow. And because when he plays guitar, his arms
flex and glisten the way you imagine the arms of Adonis-like athletes
in the ancient Olympics would do... I'm such a groupie...
Best Stage Design/Concept
Nominees:
The Final Frontier
(Iron Maiden, 2011)
Black Holes and
Revelations (Muse, 2007)
Mylo Xyloto (Coldplay,
2012)
Winner: Black
Holes and Revelations. Muse just pips it because they managed to make
the crowd look like an alien in aerial shots of the gig. Their space geek fetish does wonders for set brainstorming sessions.
Weirdest Outfit
Nominees:
Matt Bellamy – The
Red Suit (Muse, 2007)
Dom Howard – The
Silver One-sy (Muse, 2007)
Robyn – The Velvet
Gold Leggings (Supporting Act for Coldplay, 2012)
Winner: Robyn.
First place goes to the super skin tight gold leggings that left very
little to the imagination, so much so we found ourselves averting our
eyes.
Best Supporting
Act
Nominees:
Puddle of Mud, 2007
Jay-Z, 2009
Chimera, 2010
Pulled Apart By Horses,
2010
Winner: Puddle
of Mud. Because the phrase “She fucking hates me!” was invented
to be shouted in stadiums across the world.
Worst Supporting Act
Nominees:
Shy Child, 2007
Dragonforce, 2010
Gold Rush, 2011
Winner:
Dragonforce. Well, honestly there are no winners here. All three are
in this category because they were painful to listen to, incredibly
boring and did nothing to 'arouse' the audience, as a support band is
meant to – talk about no foreplay. Shy Child were a two piece band
that sounded like half a dozen cats screwing. Unable to believe their
luck at getting to play Wembley, they grinned uncomfortably through
the whole thing and every time they introduced a new song we were both
horrified our ordeal wasn't over and perplexed that the next song
sounded exactly like the previous one. However, Dragonforce very
nearly ruined Iron Maiden's set for me because the childish,
embellished guitar playing was enough to give me the mother of all
migraines. You are not the heroes of the universe, unless the
universe occupies the space between the rim of the toilet bowl and
the start of the waste pipe. If I wanted to feel like I was stuck in
a shit video game I'd just watch Tron again.
Best Concert
Overall
Well, I couldn't
possibly answer that because each one holds such wonderful memories...
Live music is by far the greatest escape. Better even than cinema or the
theatre. A chance to let who you are take over every part of you.
Whether its the spectacle, the music, the dancing, the singing, the
emotion, the kissing, the swaying, the strangers protecting each
other, the mosh, the headbanging, the screaming, the violent
clapping, the spontaneous hugging (lot of that going on at
Wolfmother), the zombie like stretching of arms, the devil horns, the falling over,
the thrashing, the jumping, the chanting, the squeezing, the foot
stomping, the sweating, all pressed up against people you've never
met and will probably never see again... well, where else in public
would you be allowed to do all that without being sectioned? Bliss.
