Thursday 23 February 2012
Tuesday 21 February 2012
Room 101 - Back on the box
Room 101
Room 101 originally refers to the torture chamber that features in George Orwell's novel Nineteen Eighty-Four. Situated in the ironically named Ministry of Love, Room 101 is where political prisoners are subjected to their deepest, darkest fears – thought of as the worst possible kind of torture.
In 1994 there came about a show on the BBC that took the concept of Room 101 and invited celebrities to come along and argue why they thought a particular item/person/habit etc.. should be subjected to the torture of Room 101. Although I wasn't familiar with Nick Hancock as host, I become a loyal viewer during Paul Merton's days. I loved, and still do, Merton's surreal humour, his voice and just about everything else about him. I was very distressed when the show came to end half a decade ago.
Elated though I am that its back, Frank's just not Paul and he bloody knows it. I've got nothing against dear old Frank Skinner, he can be very funny sometimes, but his dodgy 'dad jokes' can get tiresome sometimes. Also, the format of the show doesn't exactly allow for the maximum 'extraction' of humour of the items hoping to be banished, nor does it have quite the 'oh god what are they going to pick now' factor or the emotional rollercoaster 'will it get it, won't it, should it, shouldn't it'... and so on. The guests never knew what was going to be picked from their list for the actual show or the order which often made the reveal hilarious to watch.
The quality of guest was much better too, especially because the show relied on just that one person to be interesting – although I thought having Ross Nobel on a couple of weeks ago was a brilliant idea.
The concept is strong in itself, and the ridiculous props used to illustrate the items are still as funny and the inventiveness of the things banished is still there.. kind of. I can live with Frank, but he's not Paul Merton.
The concept is strong in itself, and the ridiculous props used to illustrate the items are still as funny and the inventiveness of the things banished is still there.. kind of. I can live with Frank, but he's not Paul Merton.
Its been a long running problem of mine. I've never really gotten over Mark Lamarr leaving Nevermind the Buzzcocks... So BBC, lest you wish to find yourself consigned to Room 101, here are my demands; I want Mark Lamarr back on Nevermind the Buzzcocks and Paul Merton back on Room 101! … Oh come on BBC, I don't ask for much... except maybe less government bias and populist bullshit when reporting the news. Better scheduling in the summer. Less tennis. More quality sitcoms. More debate that doesn't involve toffs scoffing...
Naaaaaaa, I couldn't possibly put the BBC into Room 101, Jeremy Clarkson would starve to death...So in it goes...
Ok, I wouldn't really do that... All we'd be left with are the orange people on ITV and people eating bananas on Channel 4 and a bunch of other channels no one really watches...
Any how, just for fun here's my list of things I'd like to try and get into Room 101;
Calories
I feel this needs no explanation. Evil bastards...
Jeans sold on the UK High Street
I love jeans. I live in jeans. Jeans are up there with many of humanities greatest achievements. Especially when anyone from the cast of True Blood is wearing them. But here's the thing. I am not a 6ft tall American male with arse like two eggs in a bean bag. Neither am I an obese English female with narrow hips, a wide waist, large stomach and slim legs. I am an obese Mediterranean female with a pinched waist, wide hips, thighs it would take the best part of a week to slice through and an arse you could play a game of scrabble on. So high street of the United Kingdom, I implore you to embrace your multicultural population and buy in some plus size jeans that actually fit women with small waists and big thighs. I'm fat not bloody pregnant!!!!!
Okra
Slimy and furry simultaneously... Not a quality I find appealing in anything to be honest.
People who look down their noses at pets
What did they ever do to you? You're mean. MEAN!!!
Cluster fuck culprits
These are people who insult you without you realising it. They plant said cluster in your short-term memory. It might be an hour later, it might be a whole day but when you remember what they said it will fuck up the next 4 four hours, or the next four years. We all know at least one of them and they must be punished.
Cypriot houses
Or more specifically Cypriot houses that have identity crisis. Its a common problem in Cyprus that may affect 1 in 3 houses in your area. Symptoms can include but are not limited to 'Parthenonitis' where a house will magically sprout marble or concrete cylinders in its hallways from the floor all the way to the top of the ceiling. Also, common is 'Museumenza' where the house will create an atmosphere in one of its rooms that is so cold and sterile no one will ever go in there, and this usually occurs in the same room as 'Wedding-gift-shiteus' where it accumulates all unwanted or pointlessly acquired artefacts from the houses conception.
Kristin Stewart
When she learns to scream in fear realistically she can come out...
The crap they spray on grapes
No matter how much you wash them there's always a bit left that just coats your tongue like when you accidentally breathe in air freshener mist...
Tory voters
Don't panic, it'll be nice. Just as like a field trip for a day. Preferably on the first Thursday of May 2012... and again in 2015. and 2020. and 2025......
Sunday 19 February 2012
Mum's quote of the day
"He's dancing in Arabic, not in Greek"
I didn't know you could dance in a particular language but apparently its possible.
I didn't know you could dance in a particular language but apparently its possible.
Friday 17 February 2012
Tuesday 14 February 2012
Perspectives on Valentine's Day
Valentine's Day is all about perspective...
The Loner
If you're single and lonely the chances are you've spent today weighed down by a mix of jealousy, despair and abandonment. Those who bow to mainstream culture spend today watching happy couples holding hands and long to be in a couple themselves, torn apart by the idea that they cannot find love. Much like the elderly at Christmas, spare a thought for the lonely on Valentines. Give them a smile and wave. And perhaps give the door bell a ring if you haven't seen them come out of the house by the 17th...
The Newly Dating
These are normally the people The Loners are watching. They have to celebrate Valentine's Day without fail, if only to prove that they are not alone. They have probably been dating a couple of months and are identifiable by the hand upon each other's arses, the loving gaze and the myriad of pointless gifts - 'I heart you' plaques, oversized teddy bears, overpriced chocolate boxes etc... There will be an expensive meal, lots of flowers and possibly even a West End show normally fuelled by the desperate need to show off, or the desperate need for attention.
The Not Really Alone Loner
Even more likely to get depressed than the singletons of the world, people who are in long distance relationships probably have the hardest time on Valentine's Day. You can't see your partner, you can't get a date and you can't go out because everywhere you go you'll be reminded that they're not with you most days, not just Valentine's Day. I have been the Not Really Alone Loner many times in the past – being single on Valentine's Day has never bothered me, but being apart from the one you love when everyone gets to celebrate being together hurts like a kick in the chest.
The Anti-Valentine's
Getting together with your other single friends on Valentine's may look like a desperate attempt to stave off loneliness, from the outside. However, speaking as someone who has spent a fair few Valentine's with her mates I can tell you that's not always the case. Who says Valentine's Day has to just be about couples? People send cards, flowers and messages to their parents and children, so why not spend an evening acknowledging how much your friends mean to you? After all, they bring you happiness and good company all year long too... Guys, have I told you all just how much I love you lately?
The Indifferent
I have much respect for those who bypass Valentine's as if it isn't happening. Believe me, its harder than you think it is. And, no, these people are not cheap skates, or unsentimental, or bitter. They just happen to get on with their lives without making too big a fuss about a day that is commercially driven and, to be fair, loses a lot of its sentiment in the pressure that it imposes on people in relationships. And by that I mean, can you imagine the number of 'OMG you forgot!?????!!' fights that are likely to happen in the next few hours???
The Long Term Couple
Those who have been in a relationship some time and have a mutual respect for one another will either have a routine Valentine's or more likely ignore it all together. Of course, for some its a chance to spend sometime together without anyone else. Couples out there shouldn't feel pressured to celebrate today, but if you haven't had as much time alone together as you would like think of it as an opportunity to be selfish for a change and go out and treat yourselves. You don't necessarily need cards, or flowers or chocolates. Just think about what you love to do together the most and do it – but preferably not in front of children, the elderly, the lonely or pets...
Have a wonderful Valentine's Day.
Valentines
Whatever your luck, have a hilarious Valentines Day... And many thanks to Sarah Milican for posting this on Twitter...
Sunday 12 February 2012
Friday 10 February 2012
Thursday 9 February 2012
Wednesday 8 February 2012
Saturday 4 February 2012
Mum's other quote of the day
"It's one of those Panther films"
Please if you know what she's talking about let me know too...
Please if you know what she's talking about let me know too...
Mum's quote of the day
"More guns. Where do they find these guns from?"
Right on mum. That's a question everyone should be asking.
Right on mum. That's a question everyone should be asking.
Wednesday 1 February 2012
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