Room 101 - Back on the box

Room 101

Room 101 originally refers to the torture chamber that features in George Orwell's novel Nineteen Eighty-Four. Situated in the ironically named Ministry of Love, Room 101 is where political prisoners are subjected to their deepest, darkest fears – thought of as the worst possible kind of torture.

In 1994 there came about a show on the BBC that took the concept of Room 101 and invited celebrities to come along and argue why they thought a particular item/person/habit etc.. should be subjected to the torture of Room 101. Although I wasn't familiar with Nick Hancock as host, I become a loyal viewer during Paul Merton's days. I loved, and still do, Merton's surreal humour, his voice and just about everything else about him. I was very distressed when the show came to end half a decade ago.

Elated though I am that its back, Frank's just not Paul and he bloody knows it. I've got nothing against dear old Frank Skinner, he can be very funny sometimes, but his dodgy 'dad jokes' can get tiresome sometimes. Also, the format of the show doesn't exactly allow for the maximum 'extraction' of humour of the items hoping to be banished, nor does it have quite the 'oh god what are they going to pick now' factor or the emotional rollercoaster 'will it get it, won't it, should it, shouldn't it'... and so on. The guests never knew what was going to be picked from their list for the actual show or the order which often made the reveal hilarious to watch.

The quality of guest was much better too, especially because the show relied on just that one person to be interesting – although I thought having Ross Nobel on a couple of weeks ago was a brilliant idea. 

The concept is strong in itself, and the ridiculous props used to illustrate the items are still as funny and the inventiveness of the things banished is still there.. kind of. I can live with Frank, but he's not Paul Merton.

Its been a long running problem of mine. I've never really gotten over Mark Lamarr leaving Nevermind the Buzzcocks... So BBC, lest you wish to find yourself consigned to Room 101, here are my demands; I want Mark Lamarr back on Nevermind the Buzzcocks and Paul Merton back on Room 101! … Oh come on BBC, I don't ask for much... except maybe less government bias and populist bullshit when reporting the news. Better scheduling in the summer. Less tennis. More quality sitcoms. More debate that doesn't involve toffs scoffing...

Naaaaaaa, I couldn't possibly put the BBC into Room 101, Jeremy Clarkson would starve to death...So in it goes...

Ok, I wouldn't really do that... All we'd be left with are the orange people on ITV and people eating bananas on Channel 4 and a bunch of other channels no one really watches...

Any how, just for fun here's my list of things I'd like to try and get into Room 101;

Calories

I feel this needs no explanation. Evil bastards...

Jeans sold on the UK High Street

I love jeans. I live in jeans. Jeans are up there with many of humanities greatest achievements. Especially when anyone from the cast of True Blood is wearing them. But here's the thing. I am not a 6ft tall American male with arse like two eggs in a bean bag. Neither am I an obese English female with narrow hips, a wide waist, large stomach and slim legs. I am an obese Mediterranean female with a pinched waist, wide hips, thighs it would take the best part of a week to slice through and an arse you could play a game of scrabble on. So high street of the United Kingdom, I implore you to embrace your multicultural population and buy in some plus size jeans that actually fit women with small waists and big thighs. I'm fat not bloody pregnant!!!!!

Okra

Slimy and furry simultaneously... Not a quality I find appealing in anything to be honest.

People who look down their noses at pets

What did they ever do to you? You're mean. MEAN!!!

Cluster fuck culprits

These are people who insult you without you realising it. They plant said cluster in your short-term memory. It might be an hour later, it might be a whole day but when you remember what they said it will fuck up the next 4 four hours, or the next four years. We all know at least one of them and they must be punished.

Cypriot houses

Or more specifically Cypriot houses that have identity crisis. Its a common problem in Cyprus that may affect 1 in 3 houses in your area. Symptoms can include but are not limited to 'Parthenonitis' where a house will magically sprout marble or concrete cylinders in its hallways from the floor all the way to the top of the ceiling. Also, common is 'Museumenza' where the house will create an atmosphere in one of its rooms that is so cold and sterile no one will ever go in there, and this usually occurs in the same room as 'Wedding-gift-shiteus' where it accumulates all unwanted or pointlessly acquired artefacts from the houses conception.

Kristin Stewart

When she learns to scream in fear realistically she can come out...

The crap they spray on grapes

No matter how much you wash them there's always a bit left that just coats your tongue like when you accidentally breathe in air freshener mist...

Tory voters

Don't panic, it'll be nice. Just as like a field trip for a day. Preferably on the first Thursday of May 2012... and again in 2015. and 2020. and 2025......